back it up

Rewind.

Dating in Utah is like an Olympic sport.

I moved here the last week of August 2013. I arrived on a Thursday. I had been in Provo all of 5 minutes before some dude in line at Costa Vida asked for my number. Every which way you walk, drive, sit, stand- somebody is doing the ring check on you and trying to imagine what your children would look like if things worked out.

I loved it.

Not long after my arrival, I paid my tuition and bought my books... I was out of money and I hadn't gotten paid from my new job yet. I donated plasma for gas money and I relied on dates for food. One night, I reconnected with my childhood best friend. We went down Center Street for pie shakes at Sammy's and some much needed catching up. We were talking about boys and dating (like girls do) and she told me about tinder. I laughed in her face as she set up a profile for me.

Match..

                                        

                                            Match..                   

                                                                       

                                                                          Match..          Match.

Match Match MatchMatchMatch.

Every time I saw that little flame light up on my phone I thought to myself, YES. FREE FOOD.

It was fun for about a month... Or until I got paid and could get my own groceries. I kissed a lot of way too many frogs during that time and I definitely paid the price. Ever heard of mononucleosis; better known as The Kissing Disease?

Yeah, that happened.

After just a few weeks, I was already sick of dating. Excellent timing because getting a contagious illness was the perfect excuse to not go out with any new guys and an incredible turn-off for most people. I was tired of the routine. The same old "get to know you" questions over a few ounces of frozen yogurt was in no way appealing anymore.

Fast forward

HALLOWEEN!

My boss and I tag teamed and dressed up as lumberjacks. I showed up in full costume at 6AM and received some unfriendly looks followed by, "Oh, I forgot it's Halloween. What are you supposed to be? A hobo?"

Thanks.

I love Halloween. Despite being sick and exhausted, there was no way I was staying home on one of the best days of the year. I was busy with work and school all day until my ward's Halloween dance that night, which I was pretty psyched for. Any of you single folk in Utah County:

YSA 220th ward knows how to party.

As always, my friends and I showed up late. After a few songs, my phone rang and I stepped outside and spent the next hour talking to some guy I "kind of had a thing" with. We defined the relationship- or lack thereof- as   n o n e x i s t e n t and I was pretty excited to be relieved from the stress. I popped back into the dance just in time to dance the last song of the night.

The music stopped and the lights flicked on. You know, the dreaded moment when everyone's hotness scale ranking spirals from solid 8s to 5s. I walked over to grab the girls I was driving home when I saw a skinny guy with curly hair walking over. I retreated simply because I assumed he was going to talk to the other girls, so I gave the guy some space to get his game on.  He strolled right up to me and quickly said, "Hi." Oh, okay then. Naturally, I gave him a hug because that's what brown people do when they meet each other.  That's when his awkward switch turned on. The physical contact that occurred between us was what I often classify as one or more of the following; all of which are interchangeable:

limp noodle hug

ghost graze

dead fish envelope

I...I don't know what to do with my hands..

t-rex arms

vampire's embrace

 He awkwardly let go and uttered a nervous mumble just in time for the closing prayer to begin.

Poor guy. Seriously.

After the Amen, he turned and began to speak with shaky voice and hands alike.

"Hi, I've been trying to talk to you since I first saw you when our wards were combined for FHE last Monday but I was too nervous. Uh. My name is Morgan. Sorry. So. Hey."

Feel free to add in a few klutzy laughs wherever you see fit.

My first response: "What? I've never seen you in my life."

Evidently, I rarely filter what travels from my brain out of my mouth.

He explained how he passed by me multiple times at FHE (we were carving pumpkins that night) but "for some reason no words came out" so he asked some people when our ward was having another activity.

"They said you guys were having a dance on Halloween so I came and waited for you"

Okay, definitely weird, but flattering.

We talked for a minute or two before he asked if he could take me out. I had dozens of excuses up my sleeve but man, he was so nervous. I felt sorry for the guy and I decided that any kid that puts in that much effort deserves a first date, so I agreed. He perked up and set our date for the following Thursday. We said our goodbyes and nicetomeetyous. He stuck out his hand and gave me a sturdy Elder's Quorum handshake. "Uh. I don't know why I just did that. Sorry I'm kinda nervous. klutzy laugh Sorry."

One week and numerous ignored iMessages later, it was date day. I was dreading it. That morning, Morgan sent me a text confirming our date and asking for my address. I typed out a response to blow off our plans as I explained the situation to my boss, Kenny. This Morgan guy was way awkward and I already knew from our 2 minute conversation that I was not interested! So really, I was doing us both a favor because neither party had to waste their time.

Kenny's response:

"Chaney, I have seen you go on a million first dates. One more is not going to kill you."

 

He was right.