Pro-Compassion

This is for all of you "I would never terminate a pregnancy no matter what" people. This is for all of you "I can't believe a woman could terminate her pregnancy" people. This is for all of you "Termination is murder, you shouldn't play God" people. This is for all of you "There is no gray area" people. I used to be one of you.

I have always been pro-life. My whole life, that meant that MY babies should have a chance at life, no matter what. That meant if Heaven forbid something was wrong with my child, I would carry them to term regardless. That meant terminating a pregnancy was not an option. That meant I was a better person than somebody else who decided to terminate. That meant I was more Christlike than someone who made a different choice.

And you know what? I was ignorant. I was clueless, I lacked compassion, and I was far from Christlike.

I didn't know about my son Jett's lethal chromosome disorder until I was nearly 36 weeks pregnant. Many people who share the same faith as I do will say to me, "Well even if you knew earlier, obviously it wouldn't have changed anything. You'd still carry to term."

Would I have? I have no idea. I can't make that assessment for certain, but I can look at the feelings and emotions I had from the day I found out until the day I delivered. I knew for a total of 20 days of my pregnancy that my son was going to die. Those were the most agonizing, gut-wrenching, heartbreaking days of my life.

For those 20 days, I thought to myself:
"Maybe it would be easier if he was stillborn. Then I wouldn't have to watch him die."
"Maybe it would be easier not to medically intervene at all when he's born and just let him die."
"I don't want to be pregnant anymore."
"There's no point in waiting until full term, he's going to die anyway."

Do you know what it feels like to feel a kick from your baby and wonder if that will be the last one? Do you know what it feels like to go to the hospital 6 days a week for monitoring and appointments and to wonder if there will be a heartbeat or not? Do you know what it feels like to have strangers see you in public and congratulate you while you try not to break down in tears? Do you know what it's like for other moms to look at you and say, "Have you started nesting yet? Are you ready to never sleep again?" Do you know what it's like to pack up your baby's nursery and go through the clothes he will never get to wear? Do you know what it's like to wipe your tears after a sales associate asks why you're returning a car seat? Do you know what it's like for an acquaintance to see you after you've buried your child and ask, "Weren't you pregnant? Where's the baby?"



Many people I converse with have been using me as a point of contact to validate their views of being pro-life.

"All babies should be carried to term no matter what, you know that because you actually lived it."
"I'd never terminate a pregnancy, just like you."
"I can't believe these vile women would end a life just because their babies aren't physically perfect."
"You must be disgusted with abortions since your baby passed."


As a mother who has lived through the agony, I could never EVER fault another woman for terminating her pregnancy because of a genetic disorder. Not everybody has the same belief system as I do. Not everybody has the same support system that I do. Not everybody was able to reach the end of term before finding out about a fatal condition. I know the hell hole of emotions and grief and shame that is associated with being a mother of a child not meant for earth and I cannot and will not shame another person for making a different decision than I did. 

For those of you who don't bother to research, terminating a pregnancy due to genetic abnormalities found in the second or third trimester means inducing labor. This means these mothers go through fighting their body's natural instinct to keep the baby inside and fight through hours and even DAYS of active labor. They go through the contractions and traumatizing physical pain of child birth, just like other mothers do. But they don't get the reward that you do.

Many babies that come from terminated pregnancies live for even a couple of minutes. So whether those couple of minutes are induced at 20 weeks gestation or at 40 weeks, why is it your job to judge when it's allowed?

What if that baby could have lived for a couple of minutes if it was delivered at 20 weeks, but instead that baby died in the womb at 38 weeks?

Do you know what a couple of minutes of life can get you?
- certificate of live birth
- social security number
- religious records
- insurance forms
- legal documents
- claimed as dependent
- the comfort of solid documentation that your baby is real, is loved, was alive, and you are a mother.

Do you know what you get for a stillborn baby? 

Nothing.

In the eyes of the government and religious records, that child did not exist. When a mother of a stillborn gets a hospital bill, she is paying for a delivery of a child that apparently never existed.

I had mother's intuition about my son. I knew with every piece of me that he needed to be c-sectioned in order to come out alive, and I had to fight tooth and nail for the operation to even be considered. And guess what? I was right. After Jetty's birth, the doctors assessed his sweet little body and told us our son's scull plates were fused together and if he had been born traditionally, his scull would have shattered and he would have bled out and died an extremely painful death in the birth canal.

What if another mother had intuition that her child needed to be born at 20 weeks, or 24 weeks, or 27 weeks, in order to be born alive? Is a mother's intuition not valid unless she's full term? You feel so strongly about giving a baby a chance at life... What if this woman is giving her baby a chance at life by terminating the pregnancy?

A mother knows her baby; you do not.

Do you know what it's like to be carrying a child with a lethal condition? No?
Your opinion is invalid.

 If you do know the horrible nightmare of carrying a child with a lethal condition and you STILL think it's your place to hang judgment over a mother's head for making a different decision than you, then I am so sorry. I am so sorry that you failed to learn the single most important lesson from that trial. I am so sorry that you still lack compassion after going through the deepest pain of grief.

These children with lethal conditions- though their bodies are imperfect, their spirits are flawless. Their spirits are so profound and pure and wise beyond our human comprehension. Do you really think that a spirit that is worthy of standing in the presence of our Creator is incapable of knowing, loving and understanding their mother? Do you think those spirits are incapable of accepting her for her imperfections and worldly flaws? Do you think they lack the compassion in their perfect hearts to forgive her? Do you think they'll be punished in the eternities for her decisions?



Many of these women who terminate their pregnancies went through emotional hell just like I did but they were not lucky enough to get 7 days of finger holding, sleeping baby snuggles like I was. To pretend I'm without sin and a better person and a better mother than someone else just because I stayed pregnant is not how Christ would want me to be.

I'm Chaney. I'm a mother of an angel too sweet for earth. I believe families are eternal, I'm a Mormon, and I believe another woman's uterus is none of your freaking business.